Knight In Shining Armour

Darkness. The low whistle of the wind. Flickering lights.

It was supposed to be another quite, peaceful night. Not a leaf moves, the stillness reflects the tiredness of my soul.

I am drained out. I have fought long and hard, I have been victorious, but none of that matters. Now, I could use nothing more than some well-earned rest.

I hear a little disturbance, but it can’t be for me. I turn over. I need rest.

Knock knock!

It’s a hoard of villagers. “What is it now?”
“The Tower of Terror! Please, you must save us!!”

My head aches. I am worn from a recent battle. “Who sent you?” I ask, hoping to postpone, if not pass on this task. “The King himself!” cries the crowd.

“It can not be. I have just served him and our country in a long and cruel battle, not too long ago”
“True! But to serve you people is to serve your King!”
“Isn’t there anyone else who can do this?”
“None as good as you”
“Can I rest for today and march to it tomorrow?”
No.
They readily nod and leave, but my tranquility has gone with them.
“’Tis not fair!” I argue, but no one’s there to listen.

Tired, the anguish and guilt have kept me up. My fellow comrades are in the local Inn, singing away the night. Tomorrow they plan a quest over The Forbidden Mountain.

I’d like to go there one day. Not with them. But one day. If the King were to allow me.

“Fair Knight!” they call me. “It is time!”

My performance, I am assured, will not be of any influence to the King. I question myself, why am I doing this? Why have I not put myself up for promotion, to escape, to be free?

I gather my tools. Instruments and weapons they tell me won’t work for anyone else. They don’t listen when I say that one only has to try. They think I am special, that I have some unknown power to control these devices. I do not, I try to explain. It only requires the will to learn.

My voice is drowned by their demands. “Be done with the Tower” they tell me. Every week they have a new problem. Do they not see a trend? “Fast and quickly!” the order. Do they not see, Knight as I may be, I too am human? I too face fears, pain, troubles and decisions of my own?

“Hurry, we have been sleep deprived for two days!” one yells. I know the feeling, I want t yell back. I’ve been sleep deprived for decades. War after war, battle after combat, fighting enemies and fears, despite my so-called rest period.

The fights get harder, the demons are bigger and I am weaker as time passes. A nimble dodge there, a quick suppression here… there! That should quell the beast for at least a few more weeks. I hope to be stronger then. If the King were to recognize my work and my worth, perhaps I would be of much greater service.

The again, I guess it is my fault. But I was raised not to sing praises of myself. I’m not like the others. I just want to do my duty and live my life.

The demon wounds me, I am bleeding heavily. “M’lady! There is no one as brave as you!” What good is it, if a housekeeper tells my worth? I am like all other Knights to her, or perhaps like none other. She has not met many of us Knights, we are rare indeed.
I need to recover.

It has been a week. The good doctor tells me I need at least two more before I can call myself fit. But I am visited by more villagers. The demon has escaped again.

I vanquish it, only to be told the main one has escaped… for now. But then what of the one I have killed? “M’lady! It was smart move. That particular one could have cost you if it had escaped”
Yes but my biggest nemesis has escaped. I am slightly wounded, I recover in a day.

Then, I am called for battle. I hear how my fellow companions have spent their free time, and I am envious. But they are not Knights like me. They do not yearn for that independence as I do. They want the fame, and they shall all have it long before I do.

The battle is nasty. I am tired of it now. I want to retire from this, but I know I cannot. I am pledged to the King. He shall decide for me. And in the meanwhile, I have them demons to slay.

How long before retribution?

Ma, Pa and Me

I’m three, holding my parents hands and walking in the carnival. Mom brushed my hair till it’s shining, and I’m wearing my favourite blue clip. I’m a big girl today. Mommy pinned a big white napkin to my yellow-and-red frock, which means I get to wipe my hands rather than wash, like a grown up.

I’m hungry. I look up with my big brown eyes, pleading for a lollipop. “Jus one?” I put out a plump fore-finger to stress my point. My red lower lip quivers. Dad’s softer than mom, within a minute I’m happily sucking on a bright red lolly.

Oooh, urgent problem. I pull on my mom’s dress and say I need to go. Now. I hear her sigh but I’m too pressurized to care. I happily follow mommy, licking on the saccharine sweetness as if my life depends on it. In many way, for a three-year-old me, it does.

I’m observing my pretty lacy socks, swinging my legs rhythmically. I don’t need to go any more, but I like this little cubical, and I like the song in my head. I see my mom’s shoes under the door, but I don’t understand the impatience.

“Sweety, come home when you’re done!”
Suddenly mom’s gone. I panic, and try to hurriedly follow after her. The lock is too high, its too tight. The footsteps are echoing now. In a rush of adrenaline, I manage to throw the door open and shout after her.

“Mommy?!”

But the place is deserted. I frantically check all the stalls and corners. I’m alone. The panic swells. I lean against the wall for a while.

Am I a bad girl? No, mommy says I’m a very good girl. Do I cause trouble? Rarely, daddy says he’s very proud of me.

Obviously they wouldn’t have left me. They couldn’t have. Maybe they’re waiting outside?
Frantically, I run out. “Mommy!!” But there’s no one there. “Dad?” I ask, half heartedly, my voice a mere whisper now.

Maybe I was misunderstanding the situation. Every night mommy and daddy told me how much they loved me, before they tucked me in.

Every night, that is, until recently. I’ve become a big girl now, when I come back from the playground nowadays I am too tired to wait for them or hear a story. I tell myself, they still love me. They must be testing me, trusting me. They think I’m old enough to come home alone.

I’m a big girl now, I swell up with pride and tell myself I’ll make them proud. I will come home all on my own.
I look down at my hands. They are brown and dirty. I don’t want to go home like this. When mummy hugs me, I don’t want to dirty her dress or daddy’s shirt, though I know they won’t mind. But I’m a big girl now. I can do things, like clean my hand.

I turn back inside. I’d rather wash my hands than dirty my beautiful, white napkin. My hair gets in the way and I push it back. I use lots of soap.

My confounded hair. I reach for the wipes and look into the mirror. I’m seventeen years older. My napkin has become my name tag, but aside from that, nothing much has changed. Except, I’ve grown up now.

Now when mommy and daddy reach for my hand, I barely notice. Mommy had been there, just a little further from the bathroom, waiting for me. But I never lost my independence.

Seventeen years I’ve been walking alone. And now, when I need support, I don’t know how to use it.

I grew up too fast. Mom and Dad were always there for me, are always there for me. Why can’t I seem to reach out?

I stare at my reflection. Things are bad. I need someone to talk to. Scratch that, I already have someone to talk to. I need guidance, and who better to give it to me than my parents?

Yet why do I feel, that it’s expected of me to manage on my own? Ever since I can remember I’ve been looking after myself. Not doing a very good job, but still going wherever I went, all on my own.

I’ve grown up, but I need to grow down. I need warm, freshly baked cookies, a loud our-of-tune song, two heavenly smiles and the best group hug I’ve ever experienced. I need my parents, I need parental love and I need guidance. I need an arm I can crawl into and lick my wounds. I need a shield and a protector. I need a shoulder to cry on, to lie on.

I need you, mom and dad.

I love you, mom and dad.

The Circle Of Liz

It’s always the same.

 

In the beginning, I sound so cool, so dangerous, so different, that one person who’s always been the underdog is instantly attracted by the lifestyle I seem to project.

 

I buy their lies, I believe they may really be like me.

 

Then one day they figure out, there is nothing cool about me at all, I just am different, and they are not.

Suddenly I’m alone and friendless again, and my soul is ripped to bits.

 

All I taught them, all my signature traits they adopt and publicize as their own… Like I’ve been caught naked on camera and the worst part is my face was photoshopped over by someone else. I don’t care if no one will know that it’s not me, all I know is my privates are on display for everybody to see and criticize. I don’t know whats worse, a (false)praise for the girl who’s face is stuck on mine, or an insult. I can’t stand either.

 

I’m not the way I am by choice, I just am they way I am. I didn’t pick it up from everybody and my personality doesn’t change in a crowd. I get painfully lonely a lot and I’ll never be popular. Why does no one get this?

 

I listen to english music because English is the only language I am fluent in. The same reason why I speak the language and watch English movies. My attitude and mannerism then is completely based on books I’ve read, Hollywood movies I see and the English channels I watch, because I pretty much don’t understand anything else. I don’t do it because it’s “cool”, it’s in fact, a weakness of mine.

 

I dress the way I do because I grew up beside my sister – and the number of guys that fell for her are endless enough that I developed an inferiority complex. I mean I look nothing like her, so clearly I’m not that good looking. Very soon, I accepted this and eased the fact into my life. I really did NOT care about my looks, despite what everyone thought!

 

If I don’t talk to you, it’s not because I’m arrogant, it’s just that I’m painfully shy and I don’t want anyone to notice my weakness. I get mortified to talk to strangers, mortified when I’m among acquaintances and I’d rather die than be in the spotlight.

 

My life is not at all what everyone thinks it is. It is not one bit glamorous, nor flamboyant, it’s not even very interesting! I am a twenty-something girl who is too shy to talk to strangers, has serious doubts about herself every single day and takes life rather seriously.

 

I hate it when someone I trust so much suddenly into the very thing I am the opposite off. One minute the two of us are talking in the back seat about something or the other, the next minute I’m alone in a corner, watching my ex-friend who’s at the center of attention – spot-light and all.

 

It feels like a back-stab. I can’t explain how or why, but it does. And it worries me. I have maybe two friends who haven’t turned out that way… But is that it?! I keep falling into this hole and nothing I do ever gets me out.

 

Everyone says be yourself. I always am. And that brings me nothing but misery.

 

Life as I know it

I’ll be honest with you, like I always am. A lot, as always, has been going on. In the space of about a year, (oh my god! Has it really been that long?!) I have learnt so much about life, grown up so much, adjusted, learnt lessons, felt things I never did before and I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what, life is good.

 

There are days when I’d love nothing more to just not wake

up and not do anything or think anything, simply not exist – yet I wake up every single day and do a large variety of things, as opposed to sleeping in. Often times I surprise myself, looking back I really wonder if it really was me that did that.

 

I believe I’ve actually come to that point in my life where I am happy with me!
I am the person I’ve worked so hard to be. I have a lot of the things I wanted, by the time I turned twenty. And though I am still going through that dip in life where I see no hope of going up, I’ve accustomed myself to it. And I don’t care if things don’t go better, that’s okay. I am happy now. The root cause is I tried so very hard to fit in with a crowd around me, one that never got me.

I’ve been labeled different right from first sight. I accepted it, sometimes I crave it, now it doesn’t matter. I’m moving up – from different to better. Because I am surviving the shit being thrown at me. Why? Because I can. That’s what I am made of. I can take it. Can you? Ever?

Sometimes the hardest thing is to let go. I let go of my idea of how life should be, I let go of my control-freak attitude towards life, I let go of trying to be something I am not. I am impulsive. I love cooking and eating. You know what, if I didn’t study for tomorrow’s exam, and that effs up my future at Princeton, well so be it. I am glad I spent this time on discovering myself because I’d rather spend time first on me, then on others. And if Princeton doesn’t feel that way about me, well then I guess I don’t feel that way about it either.

I’ve dreamed of making my career out of cooking – what happened to that, I mean besides the part where I would suck at it?! At one time I was so confident I’d be a writer, I started the habit of having interviews with myself, when a book of mine sold, and more often, when it didn’t.

I was so ready to experience life, and somewhere I forgot that all.

So I’m going to break my tradition of always making my blogs seem neutral and kind of one-sided, and ask you, reader, what is it that you wanted to be? Don’t give me that pilot, scientist, astronaut thing, think of your most wildest fantasy! I’ll be honest, at one point I wanted to housekeep because I loved the idea of looking after a beautiful house, cooking for people I care about and participate in other people’s lives! Another time I wanted to be a cop – possibly because I watched Miss Congeniality. Strangely enough, I did not want to enter a beauty pageant.

I still imagine myself as a famous celebrity at times, talking to myself out loud and explaining a situation. Does that make me conceited? I don’t care. It helps me sort out my problem and for that moment, it makes me feel special and important. That’s all that matters.

Don’t ever forget the craziest idea for your future, it’s probably one that’ll make you the happiest, even if it is just the thought that does it. The thought that I wanted to be a rock star makes me happy now, because I know if its not that dream, then I am living out another.

If your job, family or friends sap out the fun of a situation, don’t let them sap the fun out of life. I am out looking at the bleakest future, one that I could never imagine – but here’s the thing. I can now move forward knowing I did what I could. Things just didn’t work out. I gave it my shot, and guess what, that just wasn’t the thing for me.

I hate to be clichéd but it is a fact – I regret no incidents, just people. I have met very few people in my life whom I’ve actually cared about. If you’re reading this and we’ve met, then you’re probably one of them (not likely anyone else would come across this, ey? ).

Music is back in my life. My biggest joy-bringer has come back. I’m reading again and hey, I’ve written this so I guess I am kinda back into the writing!

Tomorrow when I cuss, when I regret getting out of my bed, I will re-read this. In the moment there is nothing I am truly thankful for, but in my life, I am thankful for my experiences, memories and most of all people both good and bad. I would not be who I am without the three.

My life is about being me. Happy me, sad me, excited me, disappointed me, crazy me, serious me – ME! And I will do as I please. As long as I keep myself and those I care about happy, what else matters, right? And if that means I become a world famous actress in the process, well so be it!

Loser

What to do when the whole universe in an unprecedented manner, one never seen before, decides to target and single you and Y-O-U only?

No, I’m actually not a self-obsessive teenage girl, I’m a rational twenty year old, and I know I’m smaller than a speck and just as important, yet somehow, I seem to NEVER catch a break and in fact, making matters worse, I’ve lost any kind of edge that I took three years of hardwork and toil to earn, and that too, just like that.

Its inexplicable. I can’t seem to do anything, yet I’m tired, yet I force myself to do everything on my to-do-list, and at the start of a new day, another more important list finds its way into my head and you guessed it, none of it is ever done.

I am actually going through a phase in my life, being accustomed to a decent amount of luck and… well, being cut some slack the ordinary amount, a phase where I am undoubtedly nothing more than your common, average, misunderstood (here goes) Loser.

I can not seem to finish what I want to on time. Things deep rooted in my heart never actually come out and take a physical form and all that hard work I’m ready to put into seems to hide behind my tv or laptop.

Despite almost a week of doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I find my body still the throes of being attack from over-stressing myself. Somewhere I know I made a mistake grammatically, but bare with me here. My neck is still killing me, I’ve forgotten how to lead life without a headache, my back pain could make a full grown man cry and my weight loss would have every model in the world jealous. And these are the problems I can make fun of. Wait till you hear the rest.

It’s like I’ve become the flash. I run around doing all this stuff but no one really sees it because I dont linger around begging for the credit. And guess what, I get the blame instead. And when I try to get the credit, I get the blame and a tag for showing-off.

I guess I am the Mayor of Loserville. Population: one. I’m not your ordinary loser too, I actually fight this losing battle day after day after day after day. And when I do decide to “go with the flow”, everything takes a turn from bad to worse.

Maybe the part of my life that I thought to be normal was abnormal and now the universe is shifting to make way for my permanent-resident-of-Loserville life. The only other explanation is that the universe is conspiring against me and this reasoning is rather tiresome, so maybe this is where I’m headed. Ms. Unlucky, Ms. Blame-Me-When-You-Got-No-One-Else, and a bunch of other clever names I could come up with to call myself, among which my favourite being (you guessed it) Loser. Without any prefix.

Loser Blade.

Yup, sounds about right.

Facing The Storm

When it hit, I was still caught up in my head. The tensions, worries, anxieties, they were all there, and it was just the beginning of my break.

I was stressed out, depressed and was barely thinking of anything except my incomplete to-do lists. I was thinking of no one and nothing outside of what I had to do. I was told by many that I was lonely, but the fact remained that I had no time to be lonely. There was always something to be done.

When it hit, I was not prepared for its full impact.

At first I barely noticed as I briskly moved about, completing my tasks; then as I fought the opposing tide of people on the street, it seeped into my awareness.

I was still sweating, but the sun was no longer beating down my neck. The cool wind lifted some of the hair strands of my face and that was when I suddenly realized what I was up against. One quick look heavenward and it was confirmed. The day’s forecast fought itself into the front of my head.

Heavy, stormy weather.

I looked down at my crisp white cotton shirt and light brown pants. Not the best choice considering I was far, far away from shelter. And just like that, it exploded. The rain pelted against my aching back harshly, showing no mercy as it drenched my shirt and had it clinging to me like second skin. My hair fell loose and clung to every fold near my neck and prevent quick movements of my head. My shoes were soaked through and I could feel the water circulate around my toes.

The sidewalk was suddenly deserted as people huddled under any kind of make-do roof for protection. They now observed me, the only idiot who’d waited long enough and was left standing alone in the rain. A quick glance told me, if I wanted to join them for the same protection, I needed to loose half my weight with in a millisecond or, have one half of me dry while the other half continued facing nature’s wrath.

I stood there staring.

And stood and stood and stood.

By now, there wasn’t a cell on my body I could claim to be dry. I closed my eyes to calm myself – and suddenly found a peace come over me, like never before.

The silence was healing. The steady pitter patter of the rain was therapeutic and the water beating down on my seemed to relieve me of all my tensions. Knowing I was causing a spectacle to everyone else buy standing statue still in the midst of a storm on an empty sidewalk, I quickly open my eyes and began to walk. I walked through small roads, puddles, got wet by the splashes of cars passing by me – but I kept walking.

My mind was frozen, and it wasn’t because of the chill running through my body. Yes, the water was cold, but it was like a reality shock to my system.

Sometimes life is about more than marking off items from your day-to-day lists.

Sometimes it’s all about looking at the bigger picture.

And sometimes, it takes a storm for you to realize it.

I walked about four kilometers in the rain, oblivious to the glances I was getting from people around me. Wrapping my hands around my wet torso only seemed so very natural that I felt comforted by the motion.

I could hear my own wet footsteps against the rain water, and the occasional vehicles pass by.

When I neared my home, I took the longer route, knowing it could adversely affect my health, but at the moment all I cared about was that feeling of serenity that engulfed me.

I went up to a lonely height and watched as the water descended on the city below me. Somehow the height magnified my tranquility. I let my eyes close and felt the water cascade over my face and felt it mingle with my eyebrows and eyelashes. I felt the water trickle down my face and as it did, I lifted my face up for more. More.

At some point my eyes opened and a rush of color flooded my vision. It was still raining but for me it might as well have stopped. It had served its purpose. There was no urgency, no necessity, no pressing engagement and no important appointment more important than for me to realize that I was NOT lonely.

I was alone.

And that made all the difference.

Epiphany

I guess you never really find that place of happiness.

Pointless?

So I missed out a lot.

So things didn’t go as planed.

So I learnt things the hard way.

So what?

Life is good. There is a cataclysmic change. The change inside of me, that is.

I saw a movie late night. Yes my old worries about how I’ll cope tomorrow etc etc are there but…to quote Doris Day, “What will be, will be”

One day I shall walk on the roads after midnight alone, aimlessly and endlessly.

I shall attend a musical concert of one of my favorite bands and lose my voice screaming along.

One day I will float gracefully and light-footed across a large ballroom.

One day I will look at the moon from atop a terrace, and just look and look.

I will watch the sun rise slowly above me, and know I am alive as the warmth envelopes me.

I will sip my warm coffee and flip the page of a book of mine that managed to get published.

I will increase the volume as one of my favorite songs plays on the radio.

I will smile at the lunatics of my pet German Shepherd.

One day I will look back and think about these days as fond memories – the days constituting the prelude to what will be my life.

Aim high, they tell me. I don’t aim. I plan, execute and struggle. One day, I will. Live.

I can’t explain how I have the feeling. All I know is, these little things, like getting soaked in the rain and smiling, playing out a song I love on a well-used guitar, swaying to the beats of music at midnight alone in a room… they have to come true.

They aren’t a lot, not very expensive to do and definitely not far fetched.

Yet doing them now, with responsibilities, work, society and impositions – they seem more than impossible.

Watching a bird from a windowsill, as it chirps on a tree outside. Diving into a pool that’s desecrated and completely mine for the day. Dripping my chips with messy dips and licking my fingers when I’m done. Sitting in the garden, talking to my best friend. Observing the shapes of clouds that pass by above me. Telling stories to small kids and enacting them with vigor. Sitting in a library till someone tells me they’re closing, then coming back just as they begin to open up. Standing on a height, like a kitchen counter to do the Macarena. Sing into a spoon as I scoop up a large dollop of ice-cream. Swing in a park during autumn and collapse laughing on a bench nearby. Going into a fast food store and have something daring.  Drive on a straight road as I sing to a familiar tune on the radio. Run like crazy with kindergartners playing ‘lock and key’ or ‘it’. Buy an expensive dress while putting on a fake accent. Getting an unforgettable haircut and not moving too much incase it “spoils”.

There is so much to look forward to. Now if I can only stop myself for closing my eyes, falling asleep and missing it all.

Don’t

Don’t break your rule and call me
Don’t bend the imperative and check on me
Don’t listen to me when I’m worried about you
Don’t tell me that you do.

Don’t do something you wont normally
Don’t do it because its not you
Don’t care if it makes you better
Don’t do it if it could make you blue.

Don’t look at me when I’m crying
Don’t notice when I’m scared
Don’t hold my hand in the middle of the night
Don’t not remind me how much you care.

Don’t piss me off when I’m happy
Don’t piss me off when I’m not
Don’t piss me off during the day time
Don’t piss me off at all.

Don’t stay away from me
Don’t leave me
Don’t fight me
Don’t scare me.

Don’t stop being there for me
Don’t stop telling me when I’m wrong
Don’t not be there when I need you
Don’t not hold me when I sob.

Don’t accept it when I say I care
Don’t believe me even when I say its true
Don’t even turn around when I’m waiting there
Don’t you even think I’d come back for you?

Don’t be upset that I wrote this
Don’t listen to me even when I beg
Don’t think my ignorance is your bliss
Don’t push me off your ledge.

Don’t let me be the kid and have my fun
Don’t let me be irresponsible
Don’t keep me off my feet even for a minute
Don’t think I’m not knowledable.

Don’t feel sorry for me
Don’t not believe in me
Don’t stop caring for me
Don’t stop fighting for me.

I wont.

You and Me.

Its very simple.
I loathe you.
You were supposed to be there for me.
Supposed to take care of me.
But now, its clear for everyone to see,
My dear friend,
I loathe you.

Right from the beginning
I helped you out
Never left any feelings of doubt
That I was here for you no matter what
But now that the smoke-screen is clearing
I loathe you.

You took for granted
Everything I did
You took a chance and
Dove the knife through my back
Now you’ve made it so
I can’t even think to relax
Honey, I loathe you.

Get away from my prize
You ought to get your own
Pick on someone your own size
And leave me here alone
If I had all your charms and tricks,
I’d still loathe you.

You had your chances
I gave you plenty
I hope at least by the end of this century
I learn all your different stances
Even though I really loathe you.

You broke something
More precious than my heart
A trust I put in you
From the very start
You’re Bitch Zero
Because that’s how much
You mean to me and affect me now
BZero, I loathe you.

You’ll never read this,
I don’t expect you to.
And if by chance
One day you do
You wont even realize
It was meant for you
I honestly loathe you.

I’m not sure I’ve loathed
Anyone as much in my life
As I do you,
My so-called-wife*
Stop with the act,
Stop with the nonsense.
It’s gone on long enough,
I detest you.

May you perish,
In your endeavor to ruin me
May you fall
From the heights I brought you to
May you get all that you want
But never what you need
May your greed
Supersede
Reality.
I could not loathe you more if I tried.

I blame you and those affected
And myself for believing
That innocent face, the so-called smile
It’s wicked now
Wrinkled and sordid.
Why wouldn’t it be?
I loathe you.

Do what you have to
Get everything I’ve ever wanted
Destroy my dreams
But you will NEVER destroy me
I oath today
That no matter what you do
I shall stand strong
And not let you touch ME.
I loathe you.

You can kill my dreams
Kill my fantasies
Take away everything I ever wanted
Become better than me
Make me insignificant in the eyes of those I care
Go on, love, you can do it, it’s a simple dare.
But no matter what
No matter when
No matter how
You will NEVER touch who I am
What I stand for
And what I believe in.
I loathe you
But most importantly,
I pity you.

*You always said you were pretty enough to be my wife. News flash! I hardly think you’d make anyone a good wife. Especially since if I was looking, I’d not look at women.