Pointless?

So I missed out a lot.

So things didn’t go as planed.

So I learnt things the hard way.

So what?

Life is good. There is a cataclysmic change. The change inside of me, that is.

I saw a movie late night. Yes my old worries about how I’ll cope tomorrow etc etc are there but…to quote Doris Day, “What will be, will be”

One day I shall walk on the roads after midnight alone, aimlessly and endlessly.

I shall attend a musical concert of one of my favorite bands and lose my voice screaming along.

One day I will float gracefully and light-footed across a large ballroom.

One day I will look at the moon from atop a terrace, and just look and look.

I will watch the sun rise slowly above me, and know I am alive as the warmth envelopes me.

I will sip my warm coffee and flip the page of a book of mine that managed to get published.

I will increase the volume as one of my favorite songs plays on the radio.

I will smile at the lunatics of my pet German Shepherd.

One day I will look back and think about these days as fond memories – the days constituting the prelude to what will be my life.

Aim high, they tell me. I don’t aim. I plan, execute and struggle. One day, I will. Live.

I can’t explain how I have the feeling. All I know is, these little things, like getting soaked in the rain and smiling, playing out a song I love on a well-used guitar, swaying to the beats of music at midnight alone in a room… they have to come true.

They aren’t a lot, not very expensive to do and definitely not far fetched.

Yet doing them now, with responsibilities, work, society and impositions – they seem more than impossible.

Watching a bird from a windowsill, as it chirps on a tree outside. Diving into a pool that’s desecrated and completely mine for the day. Dripping my chips with messy dips and licking my fingers when I’m done. Sitting in the garden, talking to my best friend. Observing the shapes of clouds that pass by above me. Telling stories to small kids and enacting them with vigor. Sitting in a library till someone tells me they’re closing, then coming back just as they begin to open up. Standing on a height, like a kitchen counter to do the Macarena. Sing into a spoon as I scoop up a large dollop of ice-cream. Swing in a park during autumn and collapse laughing on a bench nearby. Going into a fast food store and have something daring.  Drive on a straight road as I sing to a familiar tune on the radio. Run like crazy with kindergartners playing ‘lock and key’ or ‘it’. Buy an expensive dress while putting on a fake accent. Getting an unforgettable haircut and not moving too much incase it “spoils”.

There is so much to look forward to. Now if I can only stop myself for closing my eyes, falling asleep and missing it all.

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~ by Liza on May 29, 2010.